I WISH

We wish you wouldn't try to comfort us by saying something to try to make us be OK with Gabi's death. We are more comforted when you acknowledge how sad it is.

We wish you wouldn't feel so uncomfortable when we mention Gabi's name. We also wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak Gabi's name. Gabi lived and it brings us comfort to hear her name.

We wish you wouldn't think that when we talk about Gabi, if we cry or get emotional that you have hurt us. The fact that Gabi had died is causing our tears. You have allowed us to cry and share our feelings with you and we are greatful because you are helping us to heal.

We wish you would accept that we will have emotional highs and lows. Please don't think that if we have a good day our grieving is over, or if we have a bad day we need counseling or medication.

We wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other lossess and must be viewed as the unique loss that it is. It is the ultimate tragedy and we wish you wouldn't compare it to the loss of a parent, spouse or pet.

We wish you wouldn't shy away from us. We feel alone enough missing Gabi. We feel more alone missing you also. And it makes us wonder if you think being a bereaved parent is contagious.

We wish you knew that all the crazy grief reactions we are having are, in fact, normal. Depression, anger, frustration, guilt, and the questioning of values and beliefs are all a part of grieving the death of a child.

We wish you wouldn't expect our grieving to be over in a few months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic and difficult for us.

We wish you would accept that like an alcoholic, we will never be "cured" or a former bereaved parent." We will forever be a "recovering bereaved parent,"

We wish you wouldn't measure Anthony's grief against mine, or my grief against Anthony's. We're trying to understand the differences in how we're grieving. You can help us by caring for us both equally at this time of need.

We wish you would understand the physcial reactions to grief. We may gain or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, be absent minded, develop a host of illnesses, be accident prone, sigh all the time, and over react to almost everything; all of which are related to our grieving.

We wish you would tell us if you are thinking of Gabi on her birthday, the anniversary of her death or any special day. Be assured we will be thinking of her too. Special days will be more difficult for us than others. So if we get quiet and withdrawn know that we are thinking about Gabi and missing her terribly.

We wish you wouldn't expect us to get back to our "old self" and be the same person we were before Gabi died. We can't be that person again, we are now different. But if you can accept how we've changed, you may find that you like the "new us".

by Gary Vogel L.M.H.C